Panic

I've had a few moments of panic recently. I am in the wonderful first trimester of pregnancy, almost 8 weeks. This is the point where I started feeling extremely sick with Joel, and continued to throw up almost daily for the next 6 months. Yes, my "first trimester morning sickness" lasted for 71/2 months of pregnancy and was all day long. Looking back, I'm not sure how I survived it. I think my saving grace is that I was only working very minimally part-time, had no other children, and Zac was gone 16 hours a day. I mostly layed on the couch and felt sorry for myself.

Now, I don't have that luxury. The boys are a very demanding 3 and 18 months and they just don't have the patience or understanding for a mommy who is a little bit under the weather all of the time now. I am praying it doesn't get much worse than this because I seriously don't think I could care for them in the way that I want to. Such is the life of a mommy I guess, you just press on, even when sometimes you think that you can't. Joel is actually kind of fascinated with the whole concept of throwing up. He calls it "having a vomit". Maybe he would be entertained by my sickness. I am writing this entry for the blog in hopes that I may read it if we are ever contemplating having another child and remember what I could be getting myself into, except then I'll have three other kids running around. :)

Artists

So I was doing the dishes from dinner, Zac is at work, it's been a long day of me feeling sick and them feeling naughty, and they were supposed to be watching a Little Einstein DVD in the living room.

Well, my little artists decided to draw with black and dark green marker ALL OVER the couch, pillows, coffee table, miscellaneous toys, and their faces. It was not pretty. Here are their mug shots. Much to my excitement, however, I discovered that these particular markers are extremely washable so no permanent damage done.

Big news!!

These precious little boys...they bring smiles to our faces and keep us hopping! They also have no idea what's coming! In the interest of continuing to keep things just slightly on the crazy side around here, we will soon welcome another little person into our household! Maybe it will be another boy! Seriously, we are very excited and cannot wait for the early November arrival. Things are looking good so far and I will soon be starting my 8th week.

Now, if I can just pull my tired self off the couch we will celebrate our beautiful spring weather by going to the park! I forgot how difficult the first trimester can be...:)

Refreshing

Had girl's night out with some friends tonight at Starbucks...that's always refreshing. Especially since Jesse was following me around crying and moaning my name for the last hour before I left. Don't worry, he was in good hands with Zac who, incidently, was playing with them in the backyard and found a dead rabbit behind our tree with maggots crawling out of it's head. Great.

On a much lighter note, (sorry, Stella, that you have to share a post with dead rabbits and maggots) my niece is making her blog debut! She will be six months old next week and is darling.

Easter in pictures

Well, we tried to get some family pictures for this blog...but again, we weren't successful. In every picture we try to get of the four of us (since Jesse has been born practically) one of the boys is crying, yelling, or squirming away. They're not pretty pictures, really. So I'll spare you and just post what I have that's decent.

We had a great Easter! I'm sure that Zac is glad the week is over. He did a wonderful job with all of the services that week and composed some really neat music for different ensembles. Here he is afterwards--it's a weird picture but I wanted to show that he actually does exist...he's just not in too many pictures.

This is the best we got of the boys and their sweet little friend, Natalie. Joel and Jesse always get a little wild when they are in the front of the church and want to run around on the stage like little rock stars so this probably wasn't the best location for pictures. You can already see the wild looks in their eyes!

Here they are in the morning getting ready for the big day. And then at the park yesterday evening, capping it all off!

Happy Easter!!

What an amazing day. Good Friday was sobering for me. We went to visit our old church, since Zac didn't have to lead an evening service at our current church. It was so wonderful to see old friends--people who have been like family to us for the past 5 years. It felt like no time had passed but it also felt like we hadn't been there forever. Weird.

Anyway, as I ponder the suffering of Christ I am thankful for a perspective that God gave me during a time of suffering in my life. I've shared this story with many of you because it is just so powerful to me but every time I think about it I still cry. When I was about to undergo radiation treatment for cancer, I was facing the prospect of weaning Joel immediately (and he nursed every 2 hours around the clock--it was the ONLY thing that made him stop crying for the entire 3 months of his life, thus far), and then being separated from him for a whole week--no holding, touching, comforting, or even seeing him really. I was supposed to stay on a different floor of the house. I remember sitting downstairs listening to him cry and feeling my heart break because I, his mom, could not go to him and he was crying out for me. One night as tears were streaming down my face, I cried out to God saying, "God, how can you do this? Joel needs his mommy, how can you let him suffer this way? Don't you love him?" And at that moment I really felt God in heart saying, "Yes, I love him. I love him so much that I sent MY son to die for your son and for you. I know the pain of watching your son suffer and being separated from him and hearing him cry out but not going to him. Trust in me and this love I offer you. I will be Joel's Savior."

And He was during that week and hopefully will be forever. This is the love that Christ made possible for all of us by his death on the cross. And today, we celebrate it's permanence, magnificence, and miraculousness. He didn't stay dead--he is alive and moving mightily in ths world!

Random Stuff

We had a really neat Maundy Thursday service at church tonight. It ended with foot washing which is such a great reminder of Christ's humble sacrifice and service to us. This holy week has been full of great opportunities to praise our Savior and contemplate what he has done for us...more on that later.

On a lighter note...I thought I'd spice things up and share 10 random things about us: it will be a combo of me and Zac since he doesn't get much "air time" on this blog. By the way, I'm hoping to get some new family pics this weekend with Zac actually in them...

1. Zac grew up in Hawaii but hated the ocean until he was a teenager (the grass is always greener...)

2. His eyes look blue if he wears something blue, but green if he wears anything else. Joel's eyes have always been dark blue until this past summer when they started looking more like Zac's--it's really cool!

3. Zac has super wide feet. It wasn't until a little while ago that he mentioned this and actually started to buy shoes that fit his feet correctly. He never knew shoes were actually supposed to be pretty comfortable. Unfortunately, the boys also inherited this trait. It kills me to have to buy them really expensive shoes that they will outgrow in 3-4 months (not very many people make extra wide toddler shoes).

4. He is insanely strong for his size (he gave me that one :) I actually agree with this one. If you are ever moving, Zac is the man to ask for help because he has amazing endurance and can carry anything.

5. He can cross-stitch like nobody's business. He actually made one of my favorite Bible verses for me when we were dating (I know, the crazy things you do when newly in love). It sort of frightened me a little bit since I don't even know how to cross-stitch but it was also very sweet and probably took a lot of time. On a side note, he hasn't made anything since and that was 8 years ago.

6. I have an oversensitive nervous/sensory system. Which basically means I am extra aware of smell, touch, sound, and sight. Occasionally I feel like it's a blessing, but mostly it's just really annoying and makes me tired because I am always on "high alert"and trying to filter out unimportant things.

7. I'm a really bad sleeper...see #6. If I hear the slightest noise or feel a change in temperature, I wake up with a start and it can take hours to fall back asleep. This does not bode well with babies/toddlers in the house. Naps, forget about it. This problem is slightly diminished actually when I have newborns because I am SO exhausted I can sleep easier.

8. I've broken my nose three times. I know, weird. The second two times actually have interesting stories behind them...for another time.

9. When I was pregnant with Joel, I threw up almost every day for 7 months--"morning sickness"??! But when I was pregnant with Jesse, I only threw up once and that was on the airplane which was to be expected because I also have really bad motion sickness.

10. I love people and talking and just hanging out. When we've been out with friends, I come home energized and full of life. It's a neat feeling.

So there, maybe you've learned a little bit more about us!

Celebrations and blankies.

This morning we celebrated Joel's 59th birthday. Yes, he brought the cake and candles to me, proclaiming that he was "59 years old". Wow! He really is growing up...

And we've had some nice days lately so Zac took some pictures of the boys playing outside. As I was looking at them, I realized they were both clutching their blankies. They are both completely attached to their blankies in every way. Usually this is a nice thing. They are instantly comforted in new places when I present the sacred blankies, and they will fall asleep in strange beds as long as they are able to caress the silky tags attached to the blankies (Joel is showing the tag to the camera in the third picture). I even read an article in a parenting magazine applauding the benefits of "comfort objects" for little boys. The author mentioned, however, that it would be completely natural for the attachment to continue until the age of 7 or 8...yikes! I can't imagine 6 more years of frantically searching for them at bedtime when they've been misplaced or going back several aisles in the grocery store because someone dropped theirs. Each boy actually has two identical blankies that I rotate but I panicked when I realized how long their lifespan may need to be. So I am on a mission to find them more that will substitute if needed. Especially since one of Joel's just got an "injury" after part of it melted to my mom's fireplace...oops.

Did I seriously just write almost an entire post about blankies? It's hard to imagine right now that one day this phase of our lives will seem like so long ago. I hope it goes slowly, I actually like this phase. Especially on days like yesterday when Joel kindly propped a pillow under my arm and said, "Here you go, sweetie". Or later when I told him he needed a hug and he looked at me and said, "I just love you so much" in the cutest, softest, meekest voice you've ever heard. Or when Jesse insists on being held every night while I am trying to make dinner. Oh wait, no, that phase can just pass on by. :) I caught his tantrum on camera as evidence of this unfortunate habit.

Sunday

Zac was "super Zac", as I teasingly call him, at church yesterday. He led worship and preached for two services. It went really well and it's fun to be able to hear him in the pulpit since he's not doing it as much now as he used to. My brother, sister-in-law, and parents came up for the occasion and I got to spend some quality time with my niece, Stella. I'll post some pics of her later...super cute! I have to take advantage of holding her while my boys are napping because Jesse gets kind of jealous and thinks it's more important for me to hold him. Joel is just very curious and brings her all sorts of toys.

I'll post a link to Zac's sermon as soon as it gets up on the website and those of you who are interested can download it or listen to it via podcast. Pretty cool!

We are gearing up for a busy week without daddy who will be at work non-stop until after Easter. It's funny how our lives used to revolve around semesters and syllabi but now they revolve around the church calendar. Holidays used to signal a break for us--now it means lots of business and work for Zac (and for me because I become a "single mom" for awhile).

Here are some other recent pics...Joel got into the lip gloss again (oops, again), Jesse with one of his all-time favorite "hats" (yes, it's Joel's underwear and no, I promise I didn't put them on his head--he does it all by himself), Joel may have found a new interest (daddy is excited), and finally, bedtime (we are all looking a bit weary).

The pledge of allegiance

Here's how a conversation went for me and the boys at dinner last night. Side note: I learned at parent/teacher conferences yesterday that Joel is learning to tap people on the shoulder when he would like to get their attention to say something to them or give them something.

Joel: gets off of his chair and taps my shoulder
Me: (finally realizing why he has been tapping lately) "Yes, Joel? Do you have something to tell me?"
Joel: "The Pledge of Allegiance" (which he has also learned at preschool and I've been trying to get him to recite for me but he's being stubborn).
Me: "Okay."
Joel: "I pledge allegiance to the Golden Pyramid (his favorite Little Einstein video) with liberty and justice for all."
Jesse: "Amen!"

Thank you, gentlemen, for that stirring discussion! We laughed for quite awhile and now Joel thinks it's the funniest thing in the world.

My little boy is growing up!

Yep, that's right! I had my first parent teacher conference today. I think it's funny that a 3 year old has a conference for preschool, but it was helpful to get feedback from his teachers and therapists about his progress and to update some things on his IEP. He is doing okay--understands everything that is going on and participates in most of it, but is still pretty behind socially. Nothing too surprising and reminds us of what we need to continue to work on.

They were marveling at his visual abilities. He turned his name upside down at school and pointed out that the "L" becomes a "7" and the "E" becomes a "3". Yep, that's our little Einstein. He is completely obsessed with numbers of all kinds. There are 11 steps to get from the landing to the upstairs in our house, we come get him in the morning at 7:00 (he says, "come get you at seven, zero, zero!), his favorites songs on the wiggles CD are numbers 24, 26, and 30 (and if I hum the tunes of one of any of the 30 songs, he tells me which number I am humming...I always check to see if he is right...he is :), Jesse is 1, Joel is 3, Joel's birthday is December 21 (with an emphasis on the "21st" part), he can count to 60 backwards and forwards, and his favorite part about watching a DVD is starting at the counter on the DVD player--he likes to try to pause the movie at the change of a minute (1:59 to 2:00). Ah, I can either laugh at these things or let them drive me crazy...sometimes it's both simultaneously.

Parenthood...never a dull moment.

So my usually docile niece got into her mom's "childproofed" bottle of Tylenol yesterday. There were remains around her mouth and on the floor, and it was unclear how much (if any) she actually consumed. 6 hours in the ER with a squirmy toddler and a visit from a social worker later, she was pronounced as fine. Thankfully. That's scary and embarassing for the parents too. Especially her parents are some of the best parents in the world. A friend of ours from church (also a great mom) had the same social worker visit but it came after her son had been in the same ER twice in one week. The first time he ate half a tube of toothpaste his sister had left out, and the second time he fell down the stairs and got a huge black eye and bump. She felt like an idiot, but seriously, some things just aren't always preventable. It must have been a parent who coined the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

Man, I knew parenting would be hard but I didn't exactly have visions of forcing poison charcoal drink down a throat, holding children that were turning blue and shaking, or cleaning up poop off the bathroom walls that had been used as fingerpaint. Who knew? I spend good money on a really cool new toy for the boys, but their all-time favorite toy is the toilet. Who knew?

As I ponder this, I also think about how not only am I supposed to try and keep my children safe as a mom, I will likely be their #1 character and emotional influence. 95% of people say that their mom was the most influential person in their lives. Wow! Sometimes when I get caught up in the mundane of cleaning up poop (yes, it actually has become mundane, sad.) and spilled juice, I realize what an awesome task I have before me. This brings me to my knees and I pray that I could one day be worthy of my children saying the same thing about me. Lord, have mercy on me and give me your grace!

Update

I went to my retinal specialist today to check on my eye. I've been going every three months because the vision is decreasing rapidly and he wants to keep a close watch on it. Not good news. 6 months ago, my vision in that eye was 20/40. Not bad for someone with a shrinking tumor and some radiation scar tissue. 3 months ago the vision was down to 20/100. Today, I'm not on the chart anymore. I wanted to lie and say that I could see the big "E" since everyone knows that the top letter is an E, but I didn't. I couldn't even see how many fingers the technician was waving 5 feet in front of my face. Bummer. It turns out there is fluid accumulating in the eyeball too. This is potentially treatable with an injection of a specific medicine. Yes, they actually inject a needle into my eyeball. It's a sad day when that concept doesn't really frighten me. I've had so many more traumatic things done to my poor eye that this seems minor. Can you believe I actually remember being terrified at putting in a contact? Granted I was only 13, but I've had to come a long way.

Anyway, we are going to hold off on the eye injection. It's still considered "experimental" and so we will just keep watching for awhile. If you all could please continue to pray for this situation I would be so grateful. It is so hard not to get down. I understand this is my reality but I also understand that we serve a big God who can choose to heal in an instant.

The weekend!

As an addendum to the last post, yes, Jesse was just as difficult at our friend's house for dinner. His low point was spilling an entire glass of apple juice all over their floor. Unfortunately, Joel caught the spirit and dumped a whole vase of carnations and their water onto the couch. It was really not a stellar day for them.

Anyhoo...

We had a great weekend! Some friends from church made it possible for us to attend a marriage conference this weekend, for three whole days! The boys stayed with my parents and we stayed in a real hotel! So fun...our marriage is now perfect. Just kidding. Maybe we have a little more clarity though.

It was interesting coming home--every time we leave them I expect the boys to be so excited to see us. The aren't. They just want my parents to continue holding and playing with them. Oh well. We know their true hearts and they really do love us (and usually like being around us). And it's nice to know that obviously aren't in despair missing us while we are gone!

Busy, busy, busy.

Zac and I spoke at a women's Bible study at our church this morning. He has been leading worship for them since he started his new job and they all adore him. They asked him to share his testimony and so he recruited me to come share my part of "our story" as well. I wasn't going to go because I needed to pick Joel up from preschool right in the middle of it, but we skipped school and went to speak. It was a really neat experience to share the mercies God has shown us these past few years, and how he has literally carried us through some difficult times. Many people were in tears as we spoke and hopefully it was because they felt the love and grace of God afresh for themselves. All in all, it was quite a blessing. Definitely worthy of skipping school.

After that the boys and I met a friend and her daughter for lunch. We went to a little place with a play area and Jesse, my normally very easy-going kid had a HUGE meltdown. Not just a small tantrum, not just a few tears. But an all-out screaming, flailing on the ground, snot running from the nose meltdown. Whoa...where did that come from?! As I mom I sometimes have these moments where I wish I could just blink and be somewhere else--without actually having to go through all of the work it would take to get there. I'm not talking about a beach in Hawaii or on a ski lift in Vermont. I just wanted to blink and instantly be IN the car, ON our way home with the boys strapped into their carseats and all of our various carry-ons safely stowed in the car. Not in the aforementioned play area with everyone staring at us. Because let's face it. If it comes to a point when I need to leave somewhere pronto, it takes me 10 minutes to gather all of us and our shoes and get out the door. This does not bode well when someone is in tantrum mode. And no. Part of those 10 minutes didn't include me stopping to take this picture. This is just a representation, except multiply today by 10. Deep breath.....everyone is sleeping in bed now. Incidently, Jesse was actually asleep before we got out of the parking lot.

We're going to a kind friend's house for dinner who invited us over while Zac is at work. Hopefully we will not have a repeat of the lunchtime "episode".

No rest for the weary.

After our car accident in November, we had to get a new car. I'm not ashamed to say that I really like my new minivan! One of the best parts about it is that it has a DVD player. We don't abuse this and let the boys watch movies every time we are in the car--just at strategic moments. One of those such moments is when we are on the way home from somewhere and it's close to naptime. My kids are not the type of kids who transfer when asleep from the carseat to the bed. Oh, no. If they slept for 10 minutes in the car, that will most certainly replace an entire 2 of 3 hour nap. This makes for an unenjoyable afternoon. You should have seen the outrageous tactics we would resort to in trying to keep them awake while driving. Probably not too safe and certainly not too successful.

However, they 99.9% of the time will NOT fall asleep while watching a movie. Photos above are an illustration of this. Their eyes will droop and their heads will nod, but alas, no sleep. Poor Jesse. He looks especially tired since he didn't get a morning rest which he has been doing for the past couple of weeks. Don't worry though--he's sound asleep in his crib right now.

Only in Colorado.

Those of you fellow Coloradoans understand that only here can it have been 75 degrees and sunny yesterday and today be a blizzard. Literally. The picture doesn't do it justice because you cannot actually discern the horizontal sheets of finely blowing snow.

Definitely not boring.

For the past few years, I've been looking for things to get a little "boring" in our lives. That may sound weird, but we've had so much change, difficulty, and trials that I would sort of like to settle in a status quo. Not happening.

Jesse has had a little cold for over two weeks. However, in the last 5 days it's been accompanied by a cough and fever. I dutifully took him to the doctor on Thursday--hoping that he'd feel better for us to move into our busy weekend. We left with a sinus infection and antibiotics. His fever hasn't gone away. It's actually gone up, slowly. I'm doing the motrin thing but this morning, he comes up to me and is shaking. His lips are blue. His hands are blue. And I panicked. I called the doctor (hooray for doctors who have Saturday hours--this is new for us). They said to bring him right in. I throw the kids in the car.

Side note: Joel's biggest concern at this moment is that he doesn't have his shoes on. I assured him that I did bring them. I told him that Mommy was scared because Jesse is sick. We've been working on helping him with the concept of empathy and he had a victory today! He said in a very kind voice, "Don't worry, Mommy. Everything is going to be okay". So nice, huh? And it actually helped me calm down.

Anyway, Jesse's fever was 103 so we did more Motrin and the doctor said just to continue with that and the antibiotic. It should run it's course. If not, call me back. Sometimes I think I could be a doctor. It seems like that's all I ever hear from them.

Just yesterday, in fact, I was writhing in bed with HORRIBLE stomach pain for 24 hours (and fever and nausea). I finally pulled myself off the couch to go to the doctor, which is a big deal for me. I don't like to go for myself since I spend so much time there with my kids. Anyway, all he said was, "it should run it's course, although I don't know what IT is. If IT gets worse, go to the ER." Oh, okay. Thanks. Here's your $30.

So, we're all home resting and recovering from mystery illnesses. Except Joel. He took advantage of my weakened state and put inordinate amounts of lip gloss all over his face and clothes.

Oh, and I think I forgot to mention that I also broke my nose on Tuesday. Yep. It hurts and was quite bruised and swollen. Believe it or not, I am not too concerned about this because it's the third time I've broken it (I know, weird). I used to think that I had an okay looking nose, but not really anymore. I think permanent damage has occured after 3 injuries to it.