oh so hard.

Did I metion a few weeks ago how far we had come with Joel? Um yeah, I think we've had a little setback. 2 very long and difficult days with him have left us a little discouraged. This day started off with him coming into my bedroom and breaking my glasses in half. Not my $20 sunglasses, my expensive prescription eyeglasses that I wear every day for several hours. And yes, this occurred about 5 seconds after I asked him to hand them to me so they didn't get broken. It's only noon and it's been one tantrum after another. I can't quite seem to get a handle on the situation right now. I'm putting him down for a nap (we'll hope for success) and then Zac is taking him out for some "special time" in which they will take a little hike and have some serious conversation about home life. This is so hard.

Jesse has also entered a new phase of disobedience and tantrums. I know that for him it is a normal developmental thing as he becomes more independent and tests his boundaries. We are all over this and I'm actually glad it's happening before the baby comes. Did I already say that being a parent is hard? Sorry this is a sad blog, chalk it up to pregnancy hormones and strong-willed children.

Daddy time

This morning I had several meetings to attend so Zac was in charge of the boys (it's his day off). Always up for a challenge, he took them to a park that I love, but have never taken my own children to. It is across the street from where I used to be a nanny and so I took their son frequently and then have forgotten about it. It's a great park--petting zoo, train rides, creek to walk in and splash in, ice cream cart, lots of trees, and playground! I guess they had a really good time because they were there for 2 hours. The boys have a great time with Zac and it's good for him to be with them alone, but whenever they get back, they all cry (well, not Zac) and act like I've been gone for weeks. It's kind of silly, really. But Jesse put me back on "mommy duty" quickly, needing 2 diaper changes in 15 minutes after I met them for lunch. Welcome back!

Wish I had pictures, I guess Zac had his hands too full to take any. It's sort of that way now that Jesse wants to walk everywhere--two very independent little boys usually going in two different directions. It's a lot to keep tabs of...and it's only going to get harder! I think we are up for the challenge. On that note, did I mention I find out if I'm having a boy or girl in 3 weeks?!!

Dance anyone?

Last night we went to a high school graduation party of a friend from our old church. It was held in a banquet room and we walked in to lots of food and some loud dance music rockin' from the dance floor. Joel looked at me and said it was too loud. We convinced him it was okay and we ate some dinner. Shortly after we were done he told me he wanted to go dance. I told him he could so he got off of his chair and marched all the way across the room to the dance floor by himself. He pushed himself into a crowd of dancing highschoolers and danced right in the middle of them for quite awhile. He was having the best time jumping around and swinging his arms. It was hilarious.

When Jesse realized Joel was over there, of course he wanted to go too. He walked into the middle of the circle (with his blankie) and just stood there while everyone else dance. After a minute, he stepped back out and just watched from the sidelines. You can see the progression of pictures above. Ah...our little extrovert and our little introvert in action. Jesse usually prefers to sit back and observe while Joel is in the middle of any and every activity.

The boys.

These kids are cracking me up. And driving me nuts. They love each other so much and always want to be together. However, Joel has a new interest in pestering Jesse and Jesse has a new interest in letting out an ear piercing scream when he is being pestered. It's lovely. We are working on self-control for Joel and words for Jesse (i.e. "No, Joel"). Still, it's such a blessing that they are best friends. I love watching them play and grow together and it is very special that they have one another. I'd take this, even if it brings some pestering and screams, every day of the week.

Joel insists on sitting next to Jesse when they watch a video. Jesse prefers his space a bit so this often leads to arguments but on this morning, they were quite content--even obliged me with fake "cheese" smiles!

Nice, relaxing weekend.

We are down at my parent's house having a little holiday BBQ with family. I haven't seen my little niece Stella for awhile and rumor has it she is now waving hello and goodbye. I've been away too long. The boys spent Thursday night here so that Zac and I could have the day alone together Friday before we headed down here around dinnertime. On Thursday night, we went out late (after he finished rehearsal at work) and had a hamburger at 10:00 pm. Not ideal, I realize, but we'll grab "date night" any way we can get it. It's so quiet around the house without two little boys laughing and fighting. I even finished my whole bowl of cereal without someone asking for a bite--they do this even when they have the exact same kind of cereal :).

Overall, it's just a nice time of relaxation this weekend and we are enjoying it!!

Yesterday

Had doctor's appt yesterday and everything seems fine with the baby. I heard the heartbeat after a brief time of searching around and Jesse watched it all with mild interest. He goes to all of my appointments with me while Joel is in preschool and he is always so good. It's really such a blessing because I had many nightmare OB appointments with Joel while I was pregnant with Jesse. Just another example of how they are two really different kids.

Yesterday when I picked Joel up from preschool his teacher told me that he was painting at the art easel and then stepped back to admire his work and said, "Oh, that picture is so beautiful!" They were all laughing because he says it with such earnestness. Joel makes the best facial expressions and I am forever trying to catch them on camera. We would probably have more luck with the video camera but he usually freezes up when he sees it. I'm going to keep trying though because I never want to forget them!

He was in his bed yesterday during "rest" time (a very loose term now) and I heard him singing Happy Birthday to a made up person and he sang it 18 times in a row. He'd say, "Meme is 26, let's sing happy birthday to her. Are you ready?" Then he would commence and start over again at the end, changing her new age to 27 etc... It was quite amusing. That kid really has some perseverance when he wants to.

The boys are spending the night with Nana and Papa and Zac and I are going out for dessert after he gets done with work late tonight. Ah, the blessed anticipation of being able to sleep in tomorrow (which these days is considered anything after 7:15).

The baby's in there!

Every time I'm pregnant I always get nervous in between doctor's appointments until I get to the point where I regularly feel the baby moving. I'm in that phase now--the waiting and hoping that everything is going okay--although I keep telling myself that surely throwing up must be a good indication that hormonally everything is still just peachy in there. But, I finally felt the baby move (5 times in one hour) on Sunday! Hooray! Things are progressing along...

Zoo

Uh, not that much better than the last time. I'm not sure what it is but my kids (especially Joel) just aren't really zoo kids. They don't care too much for animals and would rather be at a playground, I think. I would really like to change that this summer.

Joel cried and whined the entire way there (sorry to our friends who rode with us). Jesse cried and whined most of the time at the zoo. BUT, it was a beautiful day outside, we were with friends, and I was enjoying myself. As they get older, it is easier for me to discipline them when necessary, and then tune them out when necessary.

We will try again...next time I may just bring more back-up to help me. I did get some cute pics from the train ride--it was the highlight of their time.

Nothing much

There's not too much going on around here...hence the lack of blogs. I've temporarily misplaced the camera so I can't even post some fun pictures. We're going to the zoo tomorrow so I will try to find it before then. It will be Jesse's first time to our zoo here in Denver since he was 2 months old. I had a bad experience with the boys (Joel, 21 months, Jesse 2 months) and so we let our membership lapse until they got a little bigger :). Long story short: picture me trying to nurse a screaming Jesse on a bench in the middle of the zoo (it was a LONG way from the car) and Joel continually running away...very far. I kept getting up and running to get him but Jesse would just cry louder and Joel would run farther. Two very kind people returned Joel to me twice. Before I got arrested for child neglect we fled the zoo. Both kids screaming. I was traumatized. And no, I didn't actually attempt to go to the zoo alone in the first place because I knew it would be hard. But my friend had to make a quick departure when her daughter had a serious meltdown and so I was also on my way out just a few minutes after her when the episode occured.

Anyway, it's a new day. Joel's a different kid now and if the boys get hungry, I can just hand them a snack. All better now.

The day.

This has been a really rough day. It started last night at 11 with me violently throwing up (yes, still, thanks baby Hicks). I was finally able to fall asleep but awoke with a pounding headache, still wanting to throw up, to get Jesse who decided he must not feel well either because he started crying in his crib at 6:15 and I finally caved at 6:50.

Lots of crying ensued. Joel went to preschool then we went to Walmart where Joel became hysterical because he spilled a tiny amount of his drink and we fled (yes, it was that loud and long of a cry). As we are trying to flee, I realize it's hailing--weird, because it's only partly cloudy out with blue sky. I decide we still need to get to the car stat so I am running with the cart and throw the boys in the car.

We get home, more crying. Jesse naps, Joel doesn't and I have to go in there 5 times to remind him to be quiet. The last time, I see him standing in his dresser drawer, trying to reach something. Naptime is over and more crying by Joel. At this point, he pulled himself together long enough to say, "Joel, you're being ridiculous". I suppose he's heard me say that and I just had to stop and laugh.

I tried to let the boys make cut-out sugar cookies with green and yellow frosting but lots of crying was still happening and at the end, my freshly mopped floor (as of last night) was a disaster. I put Jesse in his pajamas a little early since I was changing his diaper anyway and he just came up to me (it's 6:30) and said he wanted to go to bed. My sentiments exactly.

Thursdays are rarely great days around here. Zac has commitments at work on Wed and Thurs nights so essentially, the boys don't see him from Tuesday evening until Friday morning. By Thurs evening, I am pooped, we all miss Zac, and we're ready for the weekend (he takes Fridays off). It's days like these that make me extra appreciate the better days we've been having lately.

"Holy cow!"

Yes, that is Jesse's new favorite term. He uses it all of the time now, followed by whatever he thinks is so shocking. Example: "Holy cow, big cough!!" (after he did have kind of a big cough). It is cracking me up...he gets this from Joel. He also got something from me. The other day I dropped a cup of water (it's the pregnancy--I drop everything when I am pregnant) and Jesse said "darn it". Uh, yes, I suppose he has heard me say that fairly frequently as of late because of my resurrected dropping problems. But really, how cute is it to hear a 1 1/2 year old say "darn it"?!

I love to watch Jesse because he is such a little sponge right now. I constantly see or hear him mimicking things he's seen or heard. On Monday we were at Joel's preschool for an end of the year party and the kids were all sitting in a semi-circle on their carpet squares, singing the parents some songs. Jesse marches over and sits on Joel's carpet square with him and starts trying to do the hand motions for the song along with all of the other children. He'll be ready when he starts preschool!

M-day.

Happy Mother's Day!

We had a nice day around here, nothing too different. Went to church, I was able to go to the grocery store by myself (that really is quite the gift for me), and had some friends over for dinner.

As I was reflecting the other day, I decided that we've finally hit our "stride" around here. It has been a challening past 3 1/2 years for us, dealing with cancer, autism, new jobs, moving three times, and having 2 babies in two years. But, we really do seem to be a in a good place right now. I don't feel like crying at the end of each day (exhausted and overwhelmed) and we aren't operating in survival mode anymore. The boys are really starting to enjoy each other and that is so fun for me to watch. We have left the "really needy baby" stage (for six more months at least!) and can spend more time playing and doing other fun things. This morning I heard their conversation outside of my door:

Jesse: coughs, loudly and says, "Holy cow, big cough!" (An exact phrase Joel uses frequently).
Joel: Laughs saying, "That was a big cough, Jesse!" "Here you go, here's a toy for you."
"Say thank you, Jesse."
Jesse: "Thank you, Jesse."
Joel: "Do you want to go get breakfast, Jesse?"
Jesse: "Breakfast!" (sounds like bekfist)

Now if they really could just go get breakfast by themselves we'd be in business!

Seriously, they crack me up sometimes. I am so glad that they have eachother. Their bond grows every day and it warms my heart. Sometimes when Joel is unkind to Jesse, we remind him how special they are to one another and how they need to treat eachother with a very special love because they are best friends. Now Joel will randomly come up to Jesse and say, "You're the best friend." If we have another boy, it will be interesting to see how he fits in.

Jesse decided not to take a nap the other day (I know why and it was sort of my fault). So after letting him talk in his crib for an hour, I went in and rocked him. Jesse is not my cuddly, like to be rocked baby--that was Joel. We rocked for 1000's of hours probably. But I could count on one hand the number of times I've rocked Jesse to sleep. He'll sit there for 1 minute and then want down. This day was different though, and he snuggled in and fell right asleep. Joel was taking his nap (which was nice because those are hit or miss these days) and I really feel like God gave me that special time with Jesse. I prayed for him, thanked God for him, and just basked in the love that I felt for him. There was no other place I would rather have been at that moment. As I smelled his skin and breathed in his hair, I was realizing there won't be many more times like this since he's growing up so fast (and my lap may be more frequently occupied soon). I loved it. I love being their mom.

So, happy mother's day to me and all of the other wonderful moms in this world!

Sock Hop.

It's party time!

On Saturday evening we went to a Sock Hop at our church as a celebration for the end of the year of children's ministries. The staff went to town decorating and the gym looked like a diner. We had a great time and the boys ran around the gym, playing with balloons, eating candy (the centerpiece at each table, great), and occasionally dancing with us to some '50's tunes. As you can see, in practically every picture they were eating Twizzlers. They weren't the same pieces either! Piece after piece after piece...:)

They even tried to the the Limbo (Jesse and his blankie). Joel didn't really understand the concept because every time he walked under the stick, he'd reach up and give it a tap. It was very cute :).

Special glimpse.

Joel was diagnosed with autism 15 months ago. If I compare that little boy then to the little boy now, you would never guess it is the same child. We are all truly thankful for the miracle that God is working in Joel's life!!

However, because we are with him day to day and experience a lot of the nitty gritty nuances of autism where he struggles, it's sometimes difficult to see his progress tangibly. As with most things, it's 2 steps forward, then 1 1/2 steps back for him. This can often be so discouraging for me, since I am the one that spends the most time with him. There are things I wish I could do to help him but I've tried being his "savior" and that route is definitely not part of God's plan, nor is it honoring to him. So for the past 6 months, I've been working on surrendering that to God, and choosing to be obedient and thankful for whatever happens in Joel's life.

And now I cannot exactly pinpoint the time, but it seems like in the past 3 weeks he has made a huge leap forward socially and behaviorally--his two biggest struggles. He does fine with adults because of all of the work he's been doing with adult therapists. But aside from Jesse, Joel really could have cared less about kids. He's been going to preschool for 9 months and has only mentioned one girl. At a playground he's completely oblivious to other children around him, let alone desirous of playing with them. He'd rather do a puzzle or throw things then interact with other kids during a playdate. This has changed radically in the past few weeks. He's talked about how he likes all of the kids in his class and named each one of them. He heard some kids talking outside of our house and said, "I hear some new friends. Let's go say hi!" He joined some kids in a pretend game at the park and I saw them all fleeing the slide area yelling, "Hurry, they're coming to get us!" Something has clicked for him in a major way--something that I could never teach him. It's hard to create in another person an awareness and desire to be with another person. Only God can do this, and he has.

So today, I am rejoicing that he has blessed us with a special glimpse of Joel's growth and has given us encouragement to continue on in this journey. Praise be to him!

Airplane miracle

Trip pictures

Samantha and Joanna. Cuteness. Popsicles and bubbles. It's just wonderful when it's 8:00 in the evening and it's a balmy 83 degrees outside.
It was difficult getting these cute ones to pause for a picture, and then to get everyone to look at the camera. Joel's face in every picture practically is him saying "cheese" which really looks nothing like a smile :).

Yummy.

I am glad to know the boys enjoy Pat & Oscar's restaurant as much as I do!!

Back home...

I'll finish our trip blog! On Friday my sister-in-law, Samantha (Zac's sister), and niece, Joanna, came from Pasadena to stay with us for the night. Joanna is 3 months older than Jesse and all 3 kids had a great time playing together. We went swimming, ate popsicles, blew bubbles, went to the park, and just hung out. It was so great to see them and we are thankful that they made the trip!! When I was getting the boys out of the car here yesterday for church, Joel said we wanted Nana and Papa and Jesse said he wanted Auntie Sam!

The plane ride home was even better than the plane ride out, if that's even possible, and we made it home without incident. Joel even fell asleep while watching a video. That is so rare for the child who only sleeps at bedtime and an occasional nap! The lady sitting behind me even commented to me after we landed on how well behaved they were. It was so kind of her and very encouraging to me because I don't hear that very often. I have very "spirited" children :).

So now we are back home. Sad that the trip is over and we had to leave tropical paradise. It was so very relaxing and always great to do something different for a change. We're entering the last month of preschool and beginning to make plans for the summer. That does have an exciting feel too!

I'll post our final trip pictures as soon as I unpack my camera (I know it's somewhere!).

More fun.

Today we went swimming, to Trader Joe's (the best natural foods grocery store, home of the famous 2 buck chuck), had lunch with friends, took naps, went to the park, and had dinner with friends at an old favorite restaurant, Islands. All of these places we are eating at are places I used to go to in college when we were in Los Angeles and it brings back memories of fun times with Zac and with other college friends.

Enjoy the pictures! Some are from the park and some are before dinner. I was trying to get the boys to pose...success with Jesse, not so much with Joel. In the red slide picture I told him to wait while I took it but he didn't and about one second after I snapped that picture, he almost kicked me in the face at the bottom of the slide :).

Seriously though, Joel (and sometimes Jesse) doesn't do well with change. It manifests itself in weird ways but mostly behaviorally and in sleep deficits. We have literally had zero problems with that this trip (for either boy), except for natural toddler and preschooler naughtiness, and it has been a blessing from God!!!

So fun...

Today we went to the zoo. The Living Desert it's called. It really was quite "deserty" but what else do you expect in Palm Desert? We saw some fun animals and went to a little wildlife show. The boys were trying to compete with the other wildlife so Jesse and I made a quick exit toward the end but it was fun!

We hung out a lot outside, playing baseball and cars, and squirting each other with squirt guns. Then we topped off the day by eating a tasty dinner at Oscar's. The boys LOVED the food there as much as thier mommy does. They have the absolute best breadsticks in the world and Jesse even ate half of my greek salad.

What a great day!! We're loving our trip so far.