Jealous

I wish I could be doing that. Well, not in a knight costume, necessarily. I'm not really into knights and all. Although Joel looks pretty cute as one! This was his Halloween costume from last year and it reminded me of how I went into labor practically the next day with Brody. I think I truly almost trick-or-treated that baby right out of me. Never underestimate the pains I will go through to get some candy!

Anyway, I would sure love to be curled up sleeping on the couch right now (who wouldn't, really?). Instead, I need to put away the 2 foot tall pile of clean clothes sitting by my bathtub, and the clean pile in the hallway, and mop the floors, and clean the kitchen sink. But first, I should start by actually getting dressed. I've been playing with the boys all day--just a chill morning/afternoon at home, but now we really need to get to the store before dinner. And now matter how tired I feel, I just can't go to the store in pajamas, I just might be tempted to park the "car" shopping cart somewhere and fall asleep in the produce aisle.

Finally!!

I know this is so boring, but in my book, is most truly blogworthy! I finally got a picture of Brody smiling! It is literally probably only the 2nd or 3rd one I have. He is very fascinated by the camera and as soon as he sees it, he quits smiling and gets this sort of blank expression on his face...it's bizarre, but I think I have probably 80 pictures of that exact same expression.

I'm sure you are familiar with "the look" from older posts. In case you've forgotten, here it is.



I think it's safe to say that unless some day, the blank expression look becomes very attractive, he probably doesn't have a career as a model ahead of him. And that's okay, because this boy sure likes to eat. As in pretty much any baby food I put in his mouth, and a newly developed penchant for eating his breakfast bottle at 5:30 a.m. I'm not enjoying this.



But when I get to see this smile, it makes it a little more bearable!

Running low...

So we had a big birthday bash last Saturday and it was great! I'm not one for large birthday parties but Zac wanted to do this one big and I had a really wonderful time. He wrote me a beautiful letter and read it out loud...I'll post it on here when I have a spare 10 minutes to type it out or when he gets back into town and I can steal it off of his computer.

On that note, he's been out of town all week for week and boy am I tired! The boys miss him bunches too. At least that is what I have decided the reason is for their AWFUL behavior these past two days. They were great for the first 2 1/2 days he was gone, but it's been all downhill since then. I know this is the age-old question of most every mom, but why does it feel like I am disciplining, instructing, correcting, redirecting, 98% of the day, for days on end, and yet frequently they appear no more domesticated or controlled than a wild boar. Not that I have encountered too many wild boars in my days, but I think my children could certainly be a good match for one, should they ever happen to meet.

Anway, I intended to post a lovely description of the party, complete with pictures and fun quips, but being the documenting professional that I am (said with much sarcasm), I forgot to bring my camera, and our video camera is broken. I recruited my bro and sis-in-law to help out in that department (because they are always prepared with documentation devices--no matter the occasion) but I haven't gotten the pics back from them yet.

Then I also intended to write a very touching post about what a wonderful husband and father my children and I have, but didn't make it to that one either. Some day soon I'll just surprise you all when you least expect it.

We did have a nice Father's day celebration with my whole family the day after my party, and I think I ended up with a little party "hangover" on Monday. No, not alcohol related. I don't really drink, hardly ever actually. I have some strange reactions to it like I feel like my throat is getting tight and other odd stuff and so I just avoid it. And I can hear Zac laughing as he reads this because he always makes fun of me for that. If he only knew how I felt after one sip of a margarita he might not be laughing. Whatever. But I digress. I think I just had maybe too much sugar, celebration, and excitement. That coupled with my anxiety or dread of being alone with my 3 little munchkins (or boars) for the upcoming week left me "blogless".

Joel did finally start his therpay this past week and things are going really well. And just in case I was concerned they wouldn't have enough to work on, he's had a really tough past few weeks and so this couldn't come at a better time. Please pray for him during this process when you think about us! It will be a long 1 1/2 years of some pretty intensive therapy and we pray in anticipation of how God can continue to heal him, and also for him to give Joel perseverance and determination as it is quite tiring for him. Speaking of that, I do have a cute picture I took of him sleeping on the couch, wearing a knight costume, taken shortly after one of his therapists left. Seeing as how he has probably fallen alseep on the couch approximately zero times in his life, I'd say he was pretty pooped.

So, on that very random note, hope you all have a great weekend!

Thoughts from Joel

Wow, sorry it's been awhile. We had a pretty crazy busy week with VBS (Joel attended and both Zac and I volunteered), my big birthday bash, and Father's Day. Needless, to say, we're pooped. But not too pooped to get in our first pool outing of the summer!! It's been very strange, unseasonably cool weather this June--until now--and so we will start the week the way you should in the summer...swimming away the 90 degree heat.

So at VBS they must have been talking a lot about Africa and the people there, including doing a crayon/marker/craft drive at the end to send with a team from our church who is doing a VBS there in a few weeks. Our church does some amazing ministry work in Africa, very hands on stuff, and sends several teams to Ghana and Uganda every year.

Anyway, in the car coming home from VBS, Joel and I had this conversation:

J: "Some kids in Africa have to sleep on the dirt." "Why?"
M: "Because they don't have any money for beds, and some don't even have houses."
J: "Why don't they have houses or beds?"
M: "Because those cost a lot of money and the people don't have enough money or supplies."
J: "How much money does it cost?"
M: "A lot!" "You should be very thankful for the house that you have. Would you like to pray and thank God right now?"
J: "Okay." "Dear God, thank you so much for $200 to have a house and we praise you God for healing our house and not letting it be broken." (Not sure where he got the broken/healing part).
Then Jesse pipes in, "Joel, that was a funny prayer!"
Joel: "Thank you, Jesse."
Jesse: "Your welcome, Joel".
Me: Laughing.

Here it comes!

I'm turning 30 on Saturday!

I don't know if it's just coincidence, but Joel has made it a point to tell me just how OLD I am a few times this week. He doesn't mean it in an unkind way, I think he actually thinks the older the better.

But, it's got me thinking. And I can't decide if I'm excited to be turning 30 or if I'm bummed.

Of course it does mean I'm getting older. And my body isn't quite what it used to be (I'm blaming that on the 3 children). I forget more things. I'm going blind in one eye (blaming the cancer for that one). My knees and hips hurt when I work out too much (blaming tennis). But then I think, sheesh, you're not 80.

And I most certainly am not. And I realize that I'm kind of excited to turn 30!

For one thing, I praise God that I am even alive. In addition, he has given me infinite blessings here on this earth. Huge things like my family. And small things like being able to eat whatever food I want, whenever I want. This isn't even possible for a lot of people in this world.

Plus, saying that I'm 30 makes it sound like I am at least qualified by age to care for these 3 small children that I tote all around (and who are sometimes out of control). :)

In that regard, and for many other reasons, my 20's have been a decade ripe with blessings AND challenges. Things I am so thankful to have made it through and can rejoice that we're still kickin'!

So...in honor or turning 30, I will list 30 things that I am thankful for (some serious, some silly, and all most certainly not in order of importance!):

1. My husband...he has been with me through the whole past decade, knows me better than anyone else (and still loves me!) and I hope for at least 30 more years with him in my life!
2. My 3 sons. So sweet, so challenging. I wouldn't trade them. Not even for a girl!
3. Nacho cheese Doritos.
4. My minivan (swore I would never succumb, but I did, and I love it!)
5. A wonderful church with incredible people in it.
6. My hot pink sweater from Old Navy (I got the very last one in the store).
7. Some wonderful friends.
8. A park within 5 minutes walking distance from our house.
9. To be cancer free!
10. Hand-sanitizer foam.
11. My George Foreman grill (we really use it, for lots of things).
12. Cable TV that my parents are getting us for my birthday (I'm pre-thankful for it).
13. The defrost function on my microwave--sometimes I just plan enough in advance.
14. Health insurance.
15. An upcoming 1 1/2 years of free therapy for Joel.
16. Diet Vanilla Coke (I'm sure the regular is just as good too, but I don't like to drink my calories--it's such a waste. If I'm going to consume 200 calories, I'd much rather eat a donut. Seriously.)
17. Ceiling fans.
18. Bug and humidity free Colorado.
19. Cereal.
20. Worship music.
21. God's complete sovereignty.
22. Nap time (the boys, not me...I'm an unsuccessful napper.
23. Getting mail--good stuff, not bills and junk.
24. A big glass of cold water in a plastic cup.
25. The blessing and power of prayer.
26. Being able to read the Bible in 90 days with 600 others at our church.
27. The baby bjorn (it's a verb in this house, "Should I bjorn him?"
28. Mascara.
29. Hugs.
30. Knowing that I am a child of God.

Bring it on 30 years old...I'm just getting started!

Of course He does.

We live in a culture where we appear to have a lot of power. We can manipulate things and cajole people and work our way around pretty much anything.

Antibiotics for illness.

Fast food for hunger.

Sleeping pills for insomina.

DVR to get rid of commercials.

Quick lube for oil changes.

Call ahead seating to avoid waiting at restaurants.

Fastpass at Disneyland.

Direct deposit of our paychecks.

You get the picture. These things are all fine, but they make it hard to see that really we aren't so as in control as we think. And I have felt that as I waited for Joel's medicaid application to process--there was nothing I could do to speed it along and I fully expected to wait the full 90 days that they are allowed to take.

But, alas, of course there IS something I can do. And truly, it's the most powerful, only important thing that matter. I can pray. And pray, I did. I prayed for speedy processing and efficient employees and mostly that God would just go before that application and move it along some sort of supernatural way.

And He did.

Our caseworker was here yesterday to finalize all of the details and set up our therapy times for Joel and she said to me, "I don't understand at all how this was processed so quickly. I have NEVER seen it happen that quickly. In fact, there is another little boy that she is working with who applied well before Joel and still hasn't heard anything back."

I told here that I prayed, a lot. And she said, "Well whoever you prayed for, it certainly worked!"

And we know who the one, true miracle worker is.

So I just wanted to share a modern day miracle and encourage us to remember, respect, laud, admire, and share the love and power of God. Because despite and in spite of all of our modern day trappings, he is still God.

The things a mother will do...

There are lots of things I've done because I'm a mother. It's like that title automatically forces you to do un-natural things. Many of which I wouldn't dreamed of having done BK (before kids).

Throwing myself in the trajectory of my child's vomit so it won't get on my freshly washed rug(it seemed easier to wash myself than wash the rug again).

Cleaning poop of the cabinets, floor, and walls when a certain child of mine decided to use it as fingerpaint (where was I while this was happening, you ask? Feeding another child).

Declining a really fun party invitation because it was in direct conflict with nap time. (I know this sounds so lame, but really, it ends up being in my best interest).

Getting out of bed every hour overnight to check on a child with a really high fever.

Sacrifing my highly desired cookie/cake/smoothie/roll/whatever food I am really enjoying so that they can have it instead--it's like they have some sort of radar and they find me when I'm eating something yummy!

Making sure my kids are bathed and cleanly dressed, but then running out of time to do so myself.

You get the picture, right? I know all of you mothers out there are with me.

And darn it, today I had to do it again.

I put the boys all down for naps and they were quietly just about to fall asleep (this is a rare occasion). You know that state where you're sort of out of it but not quite asleep yet? Well, they were there.

And then it gets really gray and scary looking outside and starts hailing marble-sized hail. I turned on the TV to check the weather just in time to hear the weatherman say that everyone living in neighborhood needs to be in the basement immediately because of a potential tornado. Did I mention Denver has been having bizarre weather all week??!! Anyway, I listened to him say this about 5 times before I begrudgingly walked back upstairs to get them.

After all, I suppose having safe, alive children is more important than naptime--even while taking into account the old but true addage: "Never wake a sleeping baby". So I did the good "motherly" thing and woke them up and hauled them to the basement. They were all confused and scared because it was hailing so hard I had to shout for them to hear me. Plus, Joel had decided to sleep in his underwear and I felt it was important for him to be dressed just in case the roof blew off our house. You know, priorities.

Of course then they just thought the whole thing was really exciting and after the storm passed, naptime was but a fond memory.

I'll be paying for this all afternoon.

But I made a "good choice" as we like to encourage Joel to do. Maybe he'll give me a gold star on my behavior chart.

Or maybe I'll just make cookies and eat them somewhere where I know they won't find me :).

A prayer and a praise.

Just as a brief background to this prayer request:

I had cancer 4 years ago...a long and amazing story that I will post sometime on my blog. It was a tumor in my eye and was neutralized through radiation. Everything seemed pretty okay for the first 3 years after that, but for the past year my eye has begun suffering from radiation damage. My vision has deteriorated in that eye, although I have some peripheral vision which is helpful with depth perception.

I had an appointment with my retinal specialist (cancer eye doctor) on Monday as a routine follow-up. They did another ultrasound and some "pictures" of my eye after injecting a dye into my body that helps see what is going on better in the eye. It's much more detailed than how I'll explain it, but basically my eye has fluid build-up, swelling, and some hemorrhaging of the vessels.

I received an injection of a medication in my eye last December that did help with the swelling, but the bleeding is getting worse. My doctor recommended beginning some laser treatments right away to try to stop the bleeding and fluid leakage. They were hesitant to do this initially because it will likely decrease what tiny vision I still have left, but at this point, it seems prudent to do what is best for the overall health of my eye. Lord willing, I will have a lot more years on this earth and so the ultimate goal now is for me to be able to keep my eye (as opposed to having it removed and have a prosthetic eye). I'm not sure how realistic this goal is, considering the trajectory that I am on, but I know that God hears and answers our prayers. So, I am beseeching you all to pray that the laser treatments and injections would be successful in stabilizing my eye--that there would be no more deterioration--even in the many days and years to come. Also, often when there is blindness or significant vision loss in one eye, that eye begins to lose muscle tone and will become "lazy" or drift off to the side. Even with my current vision loss, both eyes are still tracking together well, and so if you would pray that they would continue to do so, I would be so grateful.

For the most part, I have already grieved the cancer and the vision loss and how those have truly changed my life (although grief does pop up at surprising times and I don't like having to remember to schedule blood tests, CT scans, and doctor's appointments every several months just to make sure I'm still cancer-free). But I would really love to just be able to move on and now it seems prudent to be more proactive than ever with these treatments and so that is hard. It's also hard to think about possibly losing my eye entirely. That's why I initially chose to have radiation instead of removal of the eye when I was diagnosed (plus it also seemed like a medically prudent decision--not just vanity :).

And yet just as I walked out of the doctor's office with a heavy heart, my phone rang. It was Joel's caseworker informing me that his application for the medicaid autism waiver had been approved (see previous post) and he could start therapy within 2 weeks. Praise God!!!

And I know his timing is not without blessing in and of itself. What a gift to me when I was feeling low. And a reminder that he loves Joel and he loves me and will not forsake either of us. What a magnificent God we serve! So as you join me in prayer for my eye and health, please also join me in praise for this amazing opportunity for Joel. Our God is most certainly worthy of unending praise and he calls us to proclaim his mighty deeds--to him be the glory for all things!

Mission impossible.

That's what I have to say about trying to get a cute picture of all three of these little guys.

Surrender.

Now that preschool is out and Joel is home with me again, all day and every day, I am realizing how much he doesn't really thrive here for extended periods of time. After he was first diagnosed with austism, I learned everything that I could about therapy and treatment. Along with outside help, I began doing home-based therapy for about 30 hours a week for a year or so. He responded fairly well once he caught on to what we were doing and it became a lifestyle for us--not just specific times where we would "do therapy".

Now that I am busier with the other kids and he is older and much more extroverted, he really doesn't want to learn from me anymore. I am old news to him. He wants to be out and about with other people. It is really frustrating to me because I feel so ineffective for him. But I am thankful for the help that he does receive in preschool.

Yet still, I always fight the feeling that I should be doing more for him. More therapy. More research. More treatment. Unfortunatley, all of that equals more money, which we are short on at the moment (or always, it seems). Zac and I have agreed from the beginning that unless things seemed incredibly desperate, or there was no other way, that we didn't want to go into debt to pary for therapy for Joel. We know that God knows his needs and our needs, and we trust for him to provide.

So, as this summer approached and the end of preschool loomed, I began fighting a panicky feeling. It was then that I realized I needed to surrender Joel to God, again. I say "again" because I have felt that this is a common theme for me in my mothering of him. I felt it when he was an infant and I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer and effectively couldn't "mother" him for about 6 weeks. I felt it when he was diagnosed with autism and my heart broke for the loss of what I saw as a "normal future" for him. I still feel it when I am not getting through to him and feel so inadequate as a therapist for him.

But what I have felt God tell me time and time again is this, "I love Joel very much. In fact, I love him so much that I sent my Son to die for yours--that's how much I love him. I have plans for him and I will take care of him, as only a perfect heavenly Father can. Rest in my care for him."

Wow. So that is what I do every night. I try to re-surrender him to God. My feelings of control are only an illusion anyway. And then as I am trying to do this, in his goodness and mercy, God appears to be providing something amazing for Joel. We have been on the waiting list for a program called the Autism Waiver for over 2 years now. It is a federally funded grant that provides a huge amount of money to families of children with autism to receive behavioral therapy until they turn 6 years old. As our time on the waiting list has clicked away, I've become increasingly aware that Joel is getting closer to that age and missing this opportunity.

But again, God knows all of these things, and he knows exactly what Joel needs. I received a call 6 weeks ago from the county saying that they hoped he would be coming off of the waitlist within the month. I quickly got my act together, filled out a ton of paperwork (it is a medicaid program for which you have to jump through many hoops), and sent in his application. From that day on I have prayed like crazy that God will expedite this application and put it in just the right people's hands. I have word that it is currently being processed and I am awaiting confirmation any day. Medicaid has a certain number of days to respond (and it's a lot of days), but we are praying for a quick, affirmative answer.

It is so hard for me not to stress about this, but just be thankful for this possible opportunity, that could hopefully come to fruition in the summer while Joel has lots of free time for therapy. We are talking lots of therapy--like 30 hours a week of group settings, one-on-one therapy, home-based and center-based, and field trip activities. All at NO cost to us. So as we wait, would you please join with us in prayer that this could be a reality for Joel and that God may use this to propel him forward in a huge way--all for the glory of Him who loves his children so dearly.

The album progresses

Zac shares more about each song on the album (background music gives you a sneak peek, too!):

Milestones...

Certain events are dreaded by parents.

Not sleeping at night for months on end (if you consider that an "event" and not just a totally unfortunate circumstance).

Potty-training.

Moving to a "big bed" (and trying to get child to stay there).

Those are three that are at the top of my list. Anyone else? What do you dread as a parent?

I'm sure as my kids get older those dreads will have faded away into oblivion and my new ones will be replaced by things like dating and going off to college. But, during these myopic days with 3 small children, that seems like an eternity away.

However, I am so happy to report that child #2, our sweet but more often sassy Jesse, has just progressed through two of those hurdles. Yes, folks, he is sleeping through the night.

Just kidding. He's been doing that for over two years, but don't get me wrong, I'm still extremely thankful for that. Especially in light of the fact that I have recently REDISCOVERED the joys of sleeping through the night again!!! Oh yes, dear child #3, smiley but separation anxiety-plagued Brody, has decided it's not as fun to see me at night as it is in the morning so he's given up his social habit. Can I get an AMEN for that?!

Anyway, back to Jesse. He is now pretty much completely potty-trained (as in, I don't even have to remind him to go anymore)! It was fast...took about 2 weeks and I think we're in the clear. (Uh, knocking on wood as we speak).

And, due to his new need to use the toilet, we realized he has to have access to said toilet and so we moved him up and out of his crib. Yes, some of you are thinking, "Why was he still in a crib?!" Because I'm a firm believer in keeping children from having free reign over the house for as long as possible. Plus he never once tried to climb out so who am I to rock the boat?

He is now in his "big boy" bed, which I find kind of humorous because it's one of those tiny little toddler beds that look more like it's made for a large doll than a child. Whatever. I got it at a garage sale for $20 when Joel was a baby and Jesse really seems to like it, so who am I to judge?

And we have now passed what I view as 3 large milestones in our children's lives. Nice work, Jesse. It was about time, Brody (said with much love and tenderness :). And by the way, neither of you can date until you are 30.