Surrender.

Now that preschool is out and Joel is home with me again, all day and every day, I am realizing how much he doesn't really thrive here for extended periods of time. After he was first diagnosed with austism, I learned everything that I could about therapy and treatment. Along with outside help, I began doing home-based therapy for about 30 hours a week for a year or so. He responded fairly well once he caught on to what we were doing and it became a lifestyle for us--not just specific times where we would "do therapy".

Now that I am busier with the other kids and he is older and much more extroverted, he really doesn't want to learn from me anymore. I am old news to him. He wants to be out and about with other people. It is really frustrating to me because I feel so ineffective for him. But I am thankful for the help that he does receive in preschool.

Yet still, I always fight the feeling that I should be doing more for him. More therapy. More research. More treatment. Unfortunatley, all of that equals more money, which we are short on at the moment (or always, it seems). Zac and I have agreed from the beginning that unless things seemed incredibly desperate, or there was no other way, that we didn't want to go into debt to pary for therapy for Joel. We know that God knows his needs and our needs, and we trust for him to provide.

So, as this summer approached and the end of preschool loomed, I began fighting a panicky feeling. It was then that I realized I needed to surrender Joel to God, again. I say "again" because I have felt that this is a common theme for me in my mothering of him. I felt it when he was an infant and I was diagnosed with and treated for cancer and effectively couldn't "mother" him for about 6 weeks. I felt it when he was diagnosed with autism and my heart broke for the loss of what I saw as a "normal future" for him. I still feel it when I am not getting through to him and feel so inadequate as a therapist for him.

But what I have felt God tell me time and time again is this, "I love Joel very much. In fact, I love him so much that I sent my Son to die for yours--that's how much I love him. I have plans for him and I will take care of him, as only a perfect heavenly Father can. Rest in my care for him."

Wow. So that is what I do every night. I try to re-surrender him to God. My feelings of control are only an illusion anyway. And then as I am trying to do this, in his goodness and mercy, God appears to be providing something amazing for Joel. We have been on the waiting list for a program called the Autism Waiver for over 2 years now. It is a federally funded grant that provides a huge amount of money to families of children with autism to receive behavioral therapy until they turn 6 years old. As our time on the waiting list has clicked away, I've become increasingly aware that Joel is getting closer to that age and missing this opportunity.

But again, God knows all of these things, and he knows exactly what Joel needs. I received a call 6 weeks ago from the county saying that they hoped he would be coming off of the waitlist within the month. I quickly got my act together, filled out a ton of paperwork (it is a medicaid program for which you have to jump through many hoops), and sent in his application. From that day on I have prayed like crazy that God will expedite this application and put it in just the right people's hands. I have word that it is currently being processed and I am awaiting confirmation any day. Medicaid has a certain number of days to respond (and it's a lot of days), but we are praying for a quick, affirmative answer.

It is so hard for me not to stress about this, but just be thankful for this possible opportunity, that could hopefully come to fruition in the summer while Joel has lots of free time for therapy. We are talking lots of therapy--like 30 hours a week of group settings, one-on-one therapy, home-based and center-based, and field trip activities. All at NO cost to us. So as we wait, would you please join with us in prayer that this could be a reality for Joel and that God may use this to propel him forward in a huge way--all for the glory of Him who loves his children so dearly.